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Alby Writes

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.
— Oscar Wilde.

On Thursday my boss sent me a seemingly innocuous text message. The text message read “She will be by at 8 she wants to go over with you???”. Yes, that’s his exact wording and punctuation. In the back of my mind I knew the three Question marks were most likely a typo, but it nagged at me. It nagged at me so bad that I did not sleep that night. I woke up in the middle of the night. My mind running that text message over and over wondering what I had done wrong. Going from what did I do wrong to knowing it was just his typo. Then my mind started to wander to all the other little things I could be better at. My inner monologue was basically yelling at me for being slightly overweight and not running more often. It was yelling at me for not making more money. It was yelling at me for not being “me” enough.

The next day I had a pleasant meeting with my customer. Turns out she just wanted to go over where she wanted me to install a kitchen Island. This is all normal interactions. My boss shows up a few hours later to ask how the meeting with the homeowner went. He was happy to see the island already installed when he walked in. I asked him about his aggressive text the previous evening and he confirmed it was his phone acting up when he was using voice-to-text.

I did not sleep a wink of sleep that night either. My anxieties about that text message came back in full force. I fought with myself, knowing it was only an accident on his part. I spent the night tossing and turning. I did that until Sunday night where I was just so exhausted I couldn’t even think anymore. I just fell asleep on the couch watching some reruns of MTV programming.

I was raised thinking I was never good enough. I was told time and again that I would never amount to anything by my mother. When you hear that multiple times every single day, you start to believe it. It has taken me over 20 years to start realizing that I am actually succeeding in a world that seemingly wants to keep everyone down. I got so used to hearing my name attached to negative commentary and verbal abuse that I cringe every time someone uses it. If I hear someone yell my name from another room, my mind automatically goes into full on anxiety mode. I start to freak out and wonder what I did wrong to the person calling me. It’s not exactly fun. I don’t recommend it.

Every day is a fight against anxieties that were driven into me as a child. I know I am good at what I do. I know I am worth being happy. I know I am a good person. I just wish the insurmountable monster in my brain agreed with me some days.

Free will?

I’m sitting here on my usual spot. My legs on the side of my, almost under me. My coffee is now empty. I always drink my coffee fast. I drink it fast because I have become addicted to its rich black flavour. I know I’m addicted to the caffeine in it but I chose to believe it’s my choice. I spend a lot of time thinking while I drink my morning coffee. My mind always go towards the idea of free will. I have been inundated with the idea that every adult cannot function without a morning coffee. I bought into that one morning after a sleepless night. I went right to the local coffee shop and bought the sweetest variation of coffee they could muster. I believe it was some kind of caramel macchiato. I have since graduated to drinking my coffee black. I think it’s because I am way too lazy to make anything else, but in the back of my mind somewhere I know it’s because I needed more and more caffeine to cope.

I got off on a tangent there about coffee. I do that a lot at this stage of life. I have become that adult that only talks about coffee, the weather, and alcohol to people I don’t know that well. These are safe categories to talk about. You make no friends or enemies being safe. I like this. Okay I went off topic again there. Free will. It’s almost like my brain can’t focus on the thought. I grew up listening to greats like John Lennon, Black Sabbath, Queen, Black Flag, and well you name the punk band and I was obsessed them. When I listen to these bands today I realize how much they formed my thought patterns. John Lennon formed my views on religion. Black Sabbath taught me it’s okay to be different and not have people like you. Queen made me learn to accept people for who they were. Black Flag made me realize the world was a shit place and sometimes all you need is a TV and a six pack.

Now, punk music taught me to rebel. Punk music taught me that the world really sucks, but you don’t have to take it. Good punk has always tried to change the world. Punk music also taught me that sometimes you just need you just need to scream.

A little about me

The struggle is real

Hi my name is Alby. I’m 37 and I work in construction. I have depression and anxiety. i’m hoping this blog helps me deal with it and reaches some poeple who might need help as well.

When I was 24 my life change in an instant by asking a doctor if I could have an EKG during a physical. My EKG was abnormal. Extremely abnormal. Within days I had multiple appointments to figure out what was wrong. The consensus? I had congestive heart failure and sudden death syndrome. I know congestive heart failure, no big deal. It seams like everyone gets that nowadays. Its the sudden death syndrome that changed my life. To sum that up it meant that i could literally drop dead at any moment. I went from owning a successful high end finish carpentry company and being a competitive fencer and rock climber to having a doctor tel me if I lifted a gallon of milk my heart could pretty much pop like a balloon. Needless to say this messed with my psychi.

I did what the doctors said for a little while. I realized living in fear was ruining my life. I ended up with clinical depression from the lifestyle change. I wish I could say I dealt with this like a champ. I did not. I never got suicidal to say, but I did get self-destructive. I went back to climbing on a daily basis. I got extremely aggressive with my movements and did’t care what the consequences were if I took a huge fall. The whole sudden death syndrome thing says I was going to die anyway. I gave up planning for the future. I made some incredibly stupid decisions and somehow I managed not to kill myself.

Around 29 I passed out on a roof. I woke up laying on the roof and called my heart doctor. He told me I needed to have a pacemaker put in and my diagnoses changed. At 29, I was told I had Cardio Myopathy. I no longer had sudden death syndrome. I was no longer going to wake up dead! This was great news. Although the past few years of living the way I did gave me some serious depression and anxiety issues. I was on the up-mend!

I got back into rock climbing and even into crossfit. I was much more careful this time. I knew I was going to live. I unfortunately don’t do either anymore. I got injured too many times during my self-destructive phase. I kick myself in the ass for it every day. I am in pain, every day from my bad decisions, but I am alive.

So I made it to 37. I married this absolutely amazing woman. She doesn’t realize just how much she helps my on a daily basis dealing with my depression. I also have these three dogs. Even they help me to fight.