On Thursday my boss sent me a seemingly innocuous text message. The text message read “She will be by at 8 she wants to go over with you???”. Yes, that’s his exact wording and punctuation. In the back of my mind I knew the three Question marks were most likely a typo, but it nagged at me. It nagged at me so bad that I did not sleep that night. I woke up in the middle of the night. My mind running that text message over and over wondering what I had done wrong. Going from what did I do wrong to knowing it was just his typo. Then my mind started to wander to all the other little things I could be better at. My inner monologue was basically yelling at me for being slightly overweight and not running more often. It was yelling at me for not making more money. It was yelling at me for not being “me” enough.
The next day I had a pleasant meeting with my customer. Turns out she just wanted to go over where she wanted me to install a kitchen Island. This is all normal interactions. My boss shows up a few hours later to ask how the meeting with the homeowner went. He was happy to see the island already installed when he walked in. I asked him about his aggressive text the previous evening and he confirmed it was his phone acting up when he was using voice-to-text.
I did not sleep a wink of sleep that night either. My anxieties about that text message came back in full force. I fought with myself, knowing it was only an accident on his part. I spent the night tossing and turning. I did that until Sunday night where I was just so exhausted I couldn’t even think anymore. I just fell asleep on the couch watching some reruns of MTV programming.
I was raised thinking I was never good enough. I was told time and again that I would never amount to anything by my mother. When you hear that multiple times every single day, you start to believe it. It has taken me over 20 years to start realizing that I am actually succeeding in a world that seemingly wants to keep everyone down. I got so used to hearing my name attached to negative commentary and verbal abuse that I cringe every time someone uses it. If I hear someone yell my name from another room, my mind automatically goes into full on anxiety mode. I start to freak out and wonder what I did wrong to the person calling me. It’s not exactly fun. I don’t recommend it.
Every day is a fight against anxieties that were driven into me as a child. I know I am good at what I do. I know I am worth being happy. I know I am a good person. I just wish the insurmountable monster in my brain agreed with me some days.
Alby Writes 